Am I BAD?

When something bad happens to us, especially as children, we say to ourselves, "This is happening to me because I am bad." We believe that bad things happen to bad people, and good things happen to good people.  Then we think that everyone can tell we are bad, as if it were written across our forehead. 

We react to this bad label by either trying to PROVE that we are bad and acting out in self-destructive ways such as substance abuse, addictions and compulsions, promiscuity and illegal activities.  Everyone can tell by our behavior that we have EMOTIONAL problems.

The other reaction is to put our energies into trying to DISPROVE the label.  We try to prove to ourselves and to the world and to God that we are not bad by striving to be successful, looking good to everyone, controlling people and things in an attempt to keep bad things from occurring again, becoming a perfectionist and being overly responsible.  We keep our pain from surfacing and few if any know that we have an emotional problem.  In time we develop PHYSICAL symptoms such as headaches, gastrointestinal disorders, or any number of physical problems.

      BAD

    DISPROVE it                                            PROVE it

Driven to success                                    Substance abuse

Goody-2-shoes                                       Addictions

Need to control                                       Compulsions

Perfectionist                                            Promiscuous

Overly responsible                                   Illegal activities

Another term for BAD is shame.  Many of our parents parented us in ways that shamed us.  Shame is different than guilt.

Guilt happens when we do something wrong or fail to do something we know is right to do.

Shame is a sense that there is something innately defective about me: I am a mistake.

Shame comes through abandonment. Parents shame their children by:

1.      Actually physically leaving them.

2.      Not modeling healthy emotions for them.

3.      Not validating the child's emotions.

4.      Not attending to the child's developmental needs.

5.      Abusing them

a.      physically

b.   emotionally

c.   spiritually

d.      through neglect

6.  Using children to meet the parent's unmet needs.

7.  Using children to take care of their marriages.

8.      Hiding and denying their own shame secrets.

9.      Not giving them time, attention, and direction.

10.  Acting shameless. 

The answer to this shame issue is to know that we are not a mistake.  God knew what He was doing when He created us.  Our value is not determined by the price tags others place on us, but instead on the manufacturer's suggested retail price!

The Bible tells us that God loved us so much that He gave His son to die for us!  That sacrifice establishes and set your ‘true value'. Jesus died to takeaway your sin that bring us guilt but He also wants to take away our shame.  God also promises us that He will never abandon us.  When we begin to believe the truth about our worth, we can discard those old beliefs and begin to act as one who is loved.