Confrontation

Even the word can bring chills to our spines!  What do you think of when it comes to having to confront someone?  Fear of the reaction you might encounter? Does your anger at the person paralyze you and keep you from dealing with the situation?  Do you feel depressed even thinking about the need to confront because you don't know what to say?

Well, you are experiencing a common dilemma, so consider yourself among a large percentage of us.  Most of us didn't grow up with healthy role models showing us how to confront well, especially in an adult-to-adult manner.  Yes, we did learn a parent-to-child dialogue for confrontation, but that does not work well in our adult relationships, because none of us like to be treated like a child or told we are acting like a parent.

And yet we all face situations daily that need to be confronted if we are to live in healthy, loving relationships.  The art of confronting well is a lesson in diplomacy that we would all be wise to learn.  The quality of our relationships is determined by the level of skill we have acquired in confronting well.

However, all of us have experienced a confrontation that was done poorly, whether we were the one confronting or the one being confronted.  We remember the situation with a sense of horror, and a determination to avoid that feeling again if at all possible!

So let's consider a method of adult-to-adult confrontation that will enable us to feel more empowered in relationships, and less distress at having to bring up something difficult to someone we value.  Following is an outline that will serve us well in developing this skill of confrontation.

Compliment the person on something they have done well in the relationship.  This needs to be a genuine compliment, which might not come readily to mind if we're used to all-or-nothing thinking.  Especially if the issue we wish to confront has been developing for years and our angst is overwhelming us, we might find it difficult to remember the redeeming qualities of the individual we need to confront.  We might need to think back to the beginning of the relationship to come up with a genuine compliment.  You might want to consider what drew you to this relationship in the first place? 

For example, you might wish to confront a spouse on the issue of tardiness, and one of the reasons s/he is tardy is a need to keep things neat and in order.  You might like the value of being neat and orderly, but dislike the fact that s/he takes time to do things at the last minute, which makes you leave too late to be on time for your destination.  It is important to be able to keep these issues separate and be able to appreciate the one value while needing to confront the other. 

The art of diplomacy requires maturity on the part of the confronter.  Maturity allows a person who is confronting to stay respectful of the value and worth of the individual s/he is confronting, no matter how different that person may be in their beliefs and actions.

Confess something you have done that has hurt the relationship.  This, too, takes maturity because it is so much easier to see how the other person has hurt us than to see how we have hurt them.  But in order for us to do this process in an adult-to-adult manner, we need to be humble enough to recognize that we have probably contributed to the problem in some way. 

This aspect of looking at our own contributions to relationship problems was spoken over 2000 years ago by Jesus:  "…why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

Again, we are attempting to achieve an adult-to-adult confrontation, and humility can be a powerful tool in conveying a sense of equality to the process.  Humility is the quality of having a balanced sense of self: a realistic awareness of both our strengths and our weaknesses.  Contrary to what we might think, admitting our own weaknesses can be a powerful tool in the confrontation process.

One of the most common confessions is to admit that we haven't been honest in the relationship.  For instance, in our example of confronting tardiness, we may have been harboring bitterness for years about the times we have been late on account of the other's tardiness without ever admitting it.  We need to take ownership of how that resentment has damaged the level of closeness in the relationship.

Confront the person in a kind and respectful way about the issue that is between you.  It is important to do this in a gracious manner and the best way to formulate this part of the conversation is to consider how the other person's actions have affected you and to speak this in a formula that is an I-I message:

            I feel/felt____________________when I experience/d ___________________.

For example, we could say a You-you message:

            You are often tardy and you make us late!

You could soften it a little by an I-you message:

            You are often tardy, and I don't like being late!

The most gracious way of speaking the confrontation would be:

            I feel frustrated when I am late.

Consider the value of this method:  when I describe my experience, there will be less opportunity for the person to contradict what I am stating, because I am stating my own reality.  If I talk about the other person's behavior, s/he might be more apt to tell me that my perceptions are invalid.  So I am more able to maintain a sense of reality and a stance of empowerment when I describe my experience rather that to attempt to navigate the difficult waters of describing the other person's actions or motives.

Commit to building the relationship.  If the relationship is worth confronting, it is probably worth keeping!  It is important to reassure the person you have confronted that you still value them and the relationship.  However, it is also important that this be done correctly as well, in order to maintain the respect for the individual as well as your own self-respect. 

In other words, I am not suggesting that you say, "But no matter how you treat me I'll still love you anyway!"  That will not be a consistent message and will cause more confusion than the healthy change of behavior we have hoped would be the outcome of our confrontation.

So in this part of the message we need to define the kind of relationship we are seeking.  We need to state the values we are pursuing in the relationship. 

For instance, we might say, "I am committed to a relationship where we are both respectful of each other's values.  I will do my best to help you keep things neat and orderly and would like to request that you respect my value for being on time."

Notice that with this formula, we start with a positive, the compliment.   We then talk about the things that are more difficult to say, confessing our own weaknesses, and confronting the other's issues.  Finally, we commit to the relationship in a way that invites positive change in the overall system.  Rather than making the other person the problem and ourselves as the answer, we present a more balanced and mature solution that maintains the respect and value of both parties.  

For more resources, you might wish to read the article, Speaking the Truth, or the book, Boundaries Face to Face, by Dr. Henry Cloud, and Dr. John Townsend.