Forgiveness

The church as well as society in general has often misunderstood the concept of forgiveness and has therefore experienced a profound hunger for vital relationships and intimacy in our high tech world.  We long to touch one another in meaningful ways, but lack the skills and courage to be honest enough to acquire the connection we so desperately desire. 

When asked if we forgive someone for an offense done to us, the words of assurance that we most definitely have done so spill out of our mouths before we really think about it because we fear being labeled a hard-hearted believer and want to at least appear godly  like our Lord and Savior, Jesus, who taught us that God will forgive us as we forgive others (Matthew 6:12).  It is imperative that we take a closer look and do a fierce moral inventory before we answer that very critical question.  The quality of our lives depends upon it!

But before we explore what forgiving entails, let us look at some myths about forgiving.  In his book, Forgive and Forget, Dr Lewis B. Smedes, Professor of Theology and Ethics at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, reserved a chapter of his book for explaining some things forgiveness is not:

1. Forgiveness is not forgetting
2. Excusing is not forgiving
3. Forgiving is not the same as smothering conflict
4. Accepting people is not forgiving them
5. Forgiving is not tolerance

Dr. Smedes says that the pains that we dare not remember are the most dangerous of all.  If we fear to face some horrible thing that once hurt us and instead stuff it into our unconscious mind where we suppose it cannot hurt us, it only comes back disguised and damages us and often those we love, who suffer from the behaviors we inflict upon them due to our own unresolved conflicts.

Excusing is just the opposite of forgiving, explains Dr Smedes.  We excuse someone when we understand that they were not to blame.  We forgive someone for things we blame them for.  Before we forgive we stiffen our spine and we hold a person accountable.  And only then, in tough-minded judgment, can we do the outrageously impossible thing:  we can forgive.

Some people hinder the hard work of forgiving by smothering confrontation.  Some parents are dedicated to smothering conflict in an attempt to keep the peace, but it simply maintains a facade of peace while the underlying tensions are not addressed.

We accept people because of the good they bring to us.  We forgive people for the bad things they did to us.  We accept each other because we are acceptable in spite of blemishes that sometimes make it difficult.  But accepting is not the same as forgiving.

Finally, Dr. Smedes clarifies that if we forgive others we heal ourselves.  If we tolerate everything they do, we are in for a lot of trouble.  We can forgive someone almost anything, but we cannot tolerate everything.  The group that puts up with everything eventually kills itself. 

Most believers struggle with erroneous thinking because it is easier than grappling with the issues involved in forgiving someone who has hurt them.  They would rather change the subject or shame others for clarifying the issues in the first place. 

In his excellent book, Caring Enough to Forgive, Dr. David Augsburger presents five steps in the forgiveness process:

1. Realizing the wrong
2. Reaffirming love, or seeing that you have value because you are created in God's image
3. Releasing or letting go of the past
4. Renewing repentance
5. Rediscovering community, or restoring the relationship.

If the offender refuses to show true repentance for his or her actions, the reconciliation process is aborted.  However we need not despair because God has provided the church community as a healing force because He knew that most of us would have to deal with unrepentant offenders and need another way to heal the pain that occurs when we don't achieve the reconciliation with loved ones that we desire.

In addition, we find some of the most blessed promises in scripture to teach us about God and about intimacy with Him.  If the offender happens to be an unrepentant parent we can find comfort from Psalm 27:10, "For if my father and mother abandon me, You (God) would welcome and comfort me."  A lack of true repentance on the part of the offender is truly an abandonment. It disqualifies the relationship from true restoration.

If others try to squeeze you into the mold of a form of forgiveness that denies the intensity and depth of true forgiveness, I would encourage you to remain loyal to the scriptural model.  We learn a lot about ourselves and our own sinful characteristics, as well as our family's dysfunctional patterns when we follow God's guidelines because He wants us to know "truth in the inward parts" (Psalm 51:6).  In our counseling practice we see families willing to follow this less traveled road once in a while, but far more often we see Christian family members attempting to sabotage true restoration because one or more members are unwilling to take a fierce moral inventory and explore his/her sin with the others.

For those who seek a positive faith, there is no better way to have it than to be honest with each other and deal with the unresolved bitterness in a caring, supportive environment. You may need a counselor or a minister trained in reconciliation skills to assist you because the task is much greater than one might imagine. The results are worth it, though. Ask anyone who has had the courage to do it, and I'm sure they'll recommend it!

Dr. Augsburger explains that we can take the first three steps on our own, totally independent of the other person, but that the final two steps depend upon the offender's repentance.  Restoration of the relationship requires sincere, from-the-heart repentance in order for genuine restoration to occur.

Dr Charles Stanley, senior pastor of First Baptist Church in Atlanta provides six principles for restoration in his book, Forgiveness:

1.      Our first priority is to help the person recognize the failure and the consequences of the sin.

2.      We must help the person acknowledge responsibility for the sin.  It is easy to blame sin on somebody else.
1 Samuel 15:21

3.      We need to lead the person to confess and repent of the sin in a true sense of regret and remorse.

4.      Restitution must be made to the offended party whenever possible.  It wouldn't be possible to restore moral purity or childlike naiveté in cases of sexual abuse, for example, but with the right attitude, Christ-like fellowship can be restored.

5.      Reach out to a fallen brother to assist him in receiving God's message through his failure. We learn from our mistakes.  Proverbs 10:17

We need to guide the person who has fallen to respond to God's chastisement with gratitude. Hebrews 12:10 tells us God's loving correction helps us learn discipline