Children Get Scared Too; As Adults What Do We Do?

It is easy to forget that the "munchkins" or "little ones" who scamper around our knees are, in reality, future adults. What is even easier to forget however, is that these shorter versions of ourselves have the same feelings that we, as adults, have: anger, injustice, confusion, sadness and fear, to mention a few. One of the differences between the emotions adults feel and the feelings children experience, is the fact that as adults, we now possess the vocabulary to communicate and express and process our feelings in a way that can be understood, and properly managed. What is important to recognize when working with feelings, is that we are adults now.

As children we did not always have the tools to work though our emotions; understanding and naming emotions is a learned skill. Understanding that your child is capable of experiencing the same feelings you do is the first step to helping your child work through their emotions. At this time however, I would like to look at some positive ways to walk with your child though one of the most difficult emotions for even adults to handle: fear.

            Imagine trying to speak without the use of your mouth. Yes, you read it correctly: without the use of your mouth. Sounds impossible right? That simple analogy demonstrates the difficulty a child may experience when trying to explain feelings that they do not have the capacity or language to express. Instead, children will express themselves through actions. Yet because children do not have the ability to make a statement such as "I am feeling irritable, this seems too complicated to figure out and I am really getting frustrated!" they will act out that feeling instead of stating it. The confusion for parents often occurs because the child may use the same action to express many emotions. Crying could mean the child is hurt, hungry, sad, or afraid. It is almost as difficult for an adult to figure out what emotion the child is expressing as it is for the child to figure out how to express the emotion they are feeling.

            So what can be done? This problem is one that has a simple solution: allow your children to express themselves though their actions and then talk about the behavior.  Children know that they are feeling something other than "happy". Using props like dolls or colors can help the child express themselves as well. "Wow, I see in your picture you used a lot of red. Why did you pick that color?" Allowing children to express themselves in their own way not only creates a safe place for them to feel their feelings, but it enables them to explore their feelings as we communicate to them that it is ok to be angry or sad sometimes.

            It is also important to remember that when children experience a significant emotion, such as fear that there is usually a triggering event, or an event that occurred prior to the behavior.  Often uncovering that event can uncover the reason for the behavior and help the child work though the emotion instead of push it down.

             Here are some helpful hints that can make working through emotions with kids a bit easier. (Hints referenced by www.keepkidshealthy.com; clarification examples provided by myself.)

*Talk about the emotion!

This lets the child know it is ok to feel their feelings.

*Validate the Child's feeling.

If the child says "I was scared I saw a monster!" A validating response would be "Wow, seeing a monster would be scary!" A response that does not validate the child would be "There is nothing to be afraid of! There is no such thing as monsters." Remember, to the child this emotion is real. Telling them it is not can affect their ability to trust themselves and what they are feeling inside.

*Respect the emotions the child is feeling

Teasing the child or making fun of the emotion can cause shame or self doubt about their emotions.

*Do Not Be Overprotective/Forceful

             It is important to not instill unnecessary emotions inside the child, allows the child to explore without your commentary. The parental opinion is powerful. Allow the child freedom, but do not force them into activities either. Allowing the child their own decision promotes self-esteem and autonomy.

*Do Not Overreact

            The child will generally look to the parent in order to see how the parent will react. If the parent overreacts, with anger or fear the child will learn that response as well. Remain calm in situations, and your child will feel more security and develop healthy reactions.

*Do Not Lecture

            Times where emotions are high in children is not the time to teach a lesson. Have a conversation with your child and TALK about the emotion or situation. Lectures can often cause a child to feel as though their voice is not important enough to be heard.

*Teach New Ways to View/Handel the Emotion

            Help the child see alternate views of the situation. Using the same example of the monster in the closet, a new way to look at this fear could be sitting with the child and finding a way to make the monster silly, possibly put him on roller-skates in a dress. Enable the child to master their own emotions will give the child feeling of personal power, which again, increases self-esteem and confidence.

*Keep things the same; do not allow emotions to alter daily life.

            Allowing the situation to control the way life is lived on a daily basis and this is something the child will pick up on. Once again returning to the monster in the closet, allowing the child to sleep in the parents bed once in a while if they are afraid can be comforting and give the child a sense of security. However, allowing the child to move into the parent's room demonstrates that boundaries can be broken or manipulated with emotions. It also disables the child from dealing with their emotion because they have learned to hide behind it.

Recommended Books:

Taming Monster Moments: Tips for Turning on Soul Lights to Help Children Handel Fear & Anger – Porter, Daniel J.

Too Scared to Cry: Psychic Trauma in Childhood- Terr, Lenore.

Treating Trauma & Traumatic Grief in Children and Adolescents – Cohen, Judith, Marriarino, Anthony & Deblinger, Esther.

            Fear - Free Children – Hall, Janet.

Also Recommended:

            Bernstein Bears Books

Mercer Mayer, Little Critters Books

Veggie Tales, Volume 1: Where is God When I'm Scared? (Christian Based.)

Recommended Websites:

            www.childtrauma.org

            www.keepkidshealthy.com

            www.childparenting.about.com

            www.erievo/mental_health_services.phtml