Avoid Shaming Your Children - Parenting Series #1

Alice Miller, in her book, For Your Own Good: The Hidden Cruelty in Child-rearing and the Roots of Violence, gives us a list of 10 insights as to how we can hurt our children's development without realizing it. 

Parenting methods often shame children.  Shame is different than guilt.  Guilt  is the result of doing something wrong or not doing something we know we should do.  Shame is the result of believing there is something inherently wrong  with a person: that the individual is a mistake, which contradicts scripture, because God does not create mistakes.

Shame comes through abandonment. As you read through the following list, consider how you were raised as well as how you are doing as a parent.  

Parents shame their children by:

                1.  Actually physically leaving them.  This might be through death, disease, divorce, or work schedules, for example.

                2.  Not modeling emotions for them.  When we say we are not angry and our children can tell that we are angry, the child will question their own sense of understanding emotions.

                3.  Not validating the child's expressions of emotions.  When we do not allow children to talk about their emotions we are teaching them that their emotions are not okay.

                4.  Not attending to the child's developmental needs.  You can learn more about these in my article about Erik Erikson's eight stages of development.

                5.  Abusing them: physically, emotionally, verbally, spiritually, sexually, and through neglect 

                6.  Using children to take care of the parent's unmet needs.  Although    children do meet many of our needs as parents, we must be careful to make sure we are not getting things turned around so we are putting pressure on children to meet             the needs we are not getting from our spouse or didn't get from our parents.          

                7.  Using children to take care of their marriages.  Again we can confide in our children about family issues and problems that they are too young to know or don't need to know, that will cause the children emotional distress.

                8.  Hiding and denying their shame secrets and expecting the children to keep them as well.  The classic example here is the child of an alcoholic who is told not to discuss this outside the family.

                9.  Not giving them time, attention, and direction.  In our hectic schedules we often give our children last priority and they do not get the blessings we could otherwise give them and they so desperately need.

      10.  Acting shameless.  When we act as if we are perfect we do ourselves and our children harm.  Our children need to see that we are not perfect and that we can apologize and ask forgiveness.  How else will they learn these skills?

Parents need to talk openly with their children and listen to what they have to say.  This builds healthy bonds.

Many were raised with the no talk rule:  Don't talk, don't think, don't feel.  This is unhealthy for families.  

In contrast, we read in the Bible, "…You will know the truth and the truth will make you free."    John 8:32

Linda J. Bagley, M.A., LMFT

26451 Crown Valley Pkwy. Suite 201

Mission Viejo, CA  92691

Linda@mfmcounseling.com

(800)449-9330 x 11