Launching Teens - Start Early!

A Strategic Parenting plan for Preparing Teenagers for Adulthood 

Getting teens ready to independently take on adulthood and all that comes with it is not an easy task. In fact it is downright frightening!

On February 17, 2003 Dr. Phil dedicated an entire television show to adult children who were still living with their parents even though the kids were in their late twenties through late thirties. One of the key points in the show stressed the lack of self-esteem generated in the adult children because of being "takers" and not contributors. Their positive self-worth and self-image was being robbed from them by continuing to live with their parents rather than becoming independent and living on their own. The parents on the show also were losing: they had lost control of their lives, homes, and economics because they hadn't successfully launched their children as teenagers to become functional adults.  

The model I am about to share is best started when your child has his/her twelfth birthday, but if your son or daughter has crossed that threshold you can modify this approach to an older age. Older teens may first show more resistance and cooperate less but it is still worth the attempt. By beginning with the twelfth birthday it gives you six years to increase privileges and responsibilities before your child's eighteenth birthday when legally they reach adulthood and gain their individual freedom and responsibilities.  

I want to save you from the dilemma faced by those parents on Dr. Phil's show and guide you into creating a win-win setting for you and your soon-to-be adult children.  

This model is based on Bowenian theory. There are two terms at the heart of the issue to be discussed: separation and individuation.

In the simplest of terms one has to experience separation, i.e. being on one's own, physically and emotionally distanced from the supportive security of another's care, to move toward being independent.  

To experience individuation one needs to come to grips with the reality of being isolated inside one's own body, unable to physically and emotionally share that space with anyone else and therefore, solely responsible for all their actions and outcomes.

We could take these concepts and become very philosophical about the whole thing, but that probably would only distract us from describing the model and the application principles. So, I will stay focused on the description and implementation of the model rather than getting swept up in the philosophical foundations. 

Freedom and Responsibility

As freedom increases responsibility is to increase and as responsibility increases freedom is to increase. The goal is to have maximum freedom and maximum responsibility come together at the same time upon one's eighteenth birthday. The model was designed to give parents a way to present this idea in bite size pieces, giving time and opportunity for the child to learn how to handle both freedom and responsibility while the risks are minimal and mistakes can be learned from instead of become crushing blows damaging the child's self-esteem.  

I call the method ‘The Birthday Box'.

Starting with their twelfth birthday you sit down with your child and explain you are giving them an imaginary box for their birthday. Each year their box will become bigger because something new will be added to their Birthday Box each year. What will be added will depend on how well they use and manage what was put in their box the previous year. This will continue until their eighteenth birthday when the sides of their box will disappear because they will be ready to be an adult with the maximum freedom and responsibility you as their parents can give them.  

Explain whatever you put in their Birthday Box they will be completely responsible for and they have the freedom to do whatever they would like to do with it as long as their decisions do not hurt anyone else or cause damage to anyone else's property. Remind them that how they handle the responsibility and freedom over the next year will be judged by you, their parents, in deciding what new item(s) you give them next year.

Be sure to ask if they have any questions. If they come up with one you haven't thought through tell them you need time to review and decide how that will be handled before starting. Go off into another room and discuss the issues as parents and make your decision, then go back to your son or daughter and give them your answer.  

Once you have the concept in place, and only after you have communicated it to your child TOGETHER, tell them what the first item will be.

The Bagley's Story

We have two children whose birthdays are two years and four days apart. We started The Birthday Box with each of them on their twelfth birthday.  

Our son, being two years older, was our experimental guinea pig. His sister had two years to wait and see how the system worked before she was given her Birthday Box when she turned twelve.

It was our decision as parents, without any input from our kids, that they first would have their room put into their Birthday Box. On their twelfth birthday they became responsible for everything in their room. They could do whatever they liked to their rooms because it was their responsibility.  

I had tried to think through the worst-case scenario. If my son painted the walls and ceiling black, blacked out his windows and installed a strobe light would I be able to handle it? If I had to redo the walls, floor and ceiling when he moved out what would it cost? In my head I could see me investing $400 to return the room to a livable space. Honestly, I thought it would be a bargain if my son learned to be independently responsible and capable of handling adult freedom.

Boy was I surprised! 

I know I was in shock at the time, but to the best of my recollection this is what happened.

My son asked if we really meant he could do whatever he wanted to do with his room. We took a deep breath and answered YES. He asked if what he wanted to do cost money would we pay for it. We answered NO, quickly. He then asked,  "If everything in my room is mine to do with as I want, does that include the furniture?" We looked at each other, then at him and answered YES. With those questions answered he went off to think and plan.  

By the next day he had decided what he wanted to do and planned how he would proceed.

I need to interrupt this story to let you know two years later our daughter asked roughly the same questions, we gave the same answers and the rest is history.  

Now back to my son's story.

He was so excited he couldn't stop talking about what he was going to do. First, he was going to sell all his furniture. He wanted a water bed and had already priced new ones, checked the paper for used ones, and felt sure he could change things around without it costing him a dime. He also wanted to wallpaper his room and asked his mother if she would help him. I remember he said something like, "I know it's my responsibility but I'm not sure I know everything I need to so it will turn out right. Will you help me Mom?"  

He continued to describe just how he wanted everything. He was having one other problem, he didn't know where he could find those strips of wood you could put on the wall. He had seen it somewhere and wanted to do one wall in those wood strips. In a trip to the hardware store he discovered packaged cedar strips with instructions on how to apply them to an indoor painted wall. He asked me if I was willing to help him with the project because he wanted to do the design on an angle and didn't know how to make sure it was done well. I agreed to help. He had to wait a few weeks because he didn't have enough money to buy all the packets he needed to cover the one wall. He earned the money by doing odd jobs for the neighbors. He was really motivated because it was his project and he was making all the decisions.

Two years later our daughter did basically the same thing. She sold her furniture, painted her room, asked her mother to help her make drapes to match her new bed spread, and asked me to help her put together her new trundle bed and dresser. Because she had anticipated what would be in her Birthday Box she had been saving her money to add to what she got from selling her furniture so she did everything all at once.  

The pride in their accomplishments lasted the entire time they were in those bedrooms. The fact they made all the decisions and did the bulk of the labor seemed to imprint an attitude in both of them that I can see in the homes they live in today.

If you've learned it for you, you've learned it for two!

Pass on your knowledge and wisdom.

Marriage & Family Matters / Counseling

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