How Stuck Are You?

I never felt more stuck than I did that day on the mountain ledge.  I couldn't go up.  I couldn't go down.  I could only go sideways to another ledge where I felt just as stuck.  I was starting to panic.  

I was only thirteen years old at the time.  A friend and I had spent the day hiking on a small mountain near our home.  The route we chose for our return trip included a small, steep section of rocky ledges.  I watched as Mike scrambled quickly down this part of the mountain with ease.  Afterwards, I made my own attempt to follow.  At first, I felt confident but, after a few minutes had passed, it began to dawn on me that I was stuck.  I stood there alone, facing the mountain, while my hands gripped the rocky face tightly and my feet probed unsuccessfully for a foothold below me.  It wasn't long before I began to tremble uncontrollably.  I was scared -- what could I do?  My friend could see me on my perch but was unable to help.  Yes, I was stuck -- stuck on a mountain ledge.  All I could do was to stand there and try to think of some way out of my predicament.     

You've probably never been trapped on a mountain ledge, but I'll bet you know what it feels like to be stuck.  Perhaps you have wrestled with questions that needed answers but the answers would not come.  Perhaps you have been plagued by issues or addictions that refused to loosen their grip on you.  Perhaps you have been locked in a destructive relationship with an employer, a spouse, an enemy, a parent or a boyfriend or girlfriend that threatened your health, your peace of mind or your integrity.  You have felt restless, anxious, paralyzed, trapped or even suffocated -- things that go with feeling stuck.  The decisions we make at such times may powerfully change us for the better -- or for the worse.

It is my observation that we respond to our feelings of being stuck in one of three general ways.  I classify them as: reactive responses, surrender responses and productive responses.  Our responses will vary according to the overall energy we possess, our available support systems, our spiritual vitality, our physical health and our personal state of mind.  Depending on these and other factors, the strategies we employ in response to our stuck feelings can range from tremendously destructive to pure genius.   Let's look at these three response categories more closely as we consider the alternatives to remaining stuck.

Reactive Responses

Reactive responses represent our knee-jerk instincts -- the typical "go to" responses we come up with when faced with frustration, fear, danger or immobilization.  Some of us, for example, instinctively do the same things we have been doing only with more gusto, more vigor or more sincerity.  In other words, we simply try harder.  Like a car stuck in a muddy rut, we race our engine, spin our wheels and pray for traction.  Sometimes this actually works and breakout is achieved.  Other times, we find we have only dug ourselves in deeper.

Another reactive response is to simply reach for whatever represents the opposite of our stuck-ness.  A person who feels trapped in their marriage, for example, may begin acting as if they were not really married.  They may even initiate a sexual affair or quick divorce.  Others "do a 180" in their career, personal code of conduct or lifestyle as a way to get unstuck.  While shifting to the opposite pole can sometimes be a profoundly productive move; choosing change for change sake does not always bring about lasting or beneficial results.  In fact, it may only prolong inevitable, important and deeper decisions that must still be confronted.      

A third reactive response is denial:  "I'm not stuck at all".   Instead of facing the reality of our situation, we may reactively resist the objective data we receive by blocking it out or ignoring it.  To accomplish this denial, we may employ "magical" thinking ("everything will just work out") or fantasize that we are really someone else ("I spend money like this because my peers do").   To respond to stuck feelings by employing tools of denial only prolongs or multiplies the negative effects of living the "unexamined life".   

Even if these reactive responses are the ones we first go to, we would do well to remember that they are not necessarily the best solutions for the dilemmas we face.

Surrender Responses

            By contrast, some people respond to their stuck feelings by simply surrendering to them.  Often, this cements their identity as a victim so that they become convinced that change is out of reach.  "I can't help being stuck", they say.  "I was born this way", or "I'm a product of my environment" or "he / she did this to me".  Rather than seek thoughtful solutions or make serious efforts to become unstuck, they surrender to the labels, messages, infirmities or limitations they identify with until they allow themselves to be defined by them.  

            By-products of the surrender response may include rage, timidity, blame-shifting, living in the past or self-destructive habits.  Some act out their victimhood in obviously self-degrading ways.  Others choose a more "exalted" route and act out on the same feelings by joining religious cults, becoming workaholic overachievers, constant entertainers or incessant people-pleasers.  Both modes of victimhood betray a core lack of identity.  To become unstuck, the victim identity must be shaken off and replaced by a new self-image.

Productive Responses

            A more productive response to feeling stuck involves the recognition that there is an opportunity for us to grow in every dilemma we face.  Indeed, the quest to become unstuck can lead us to some of our biggest leaps forward in life.  Here are some strategies that can help us get develop more productive responses:

• Apply "Machine Theory"

Sometimes we get stuck because we have tried to meet certain needs in certain ways that have put us in a dilemma.  Stop and consider: "What, precisely, are the needs I thought I could meet by doing what I did to get myself here?  Do I still have these needs?  Are there better strategies for meeting them?  Who might be able to help me design and implement a new strategy?"  

Everywhere we look we can see machines that human beings have designed, produced and employed to meet various needs.  There are transportation machines (airplanes), labor-saving devices (washing machines), construction machines (cranes and tractors) and information machines (computers) that we have invented and improved upon over time.   But have you noticed there are other kinds of "machines" we create in order to address other kinds of needs we encounter?  For example, there are emotional machines (funny movies), social machines (clubs), spiritual machines (Bible studies, prayer groups), educational machines (night courses), self-image machines (makeovers) -- just to name a few! 

When the machines we have built no longer meet the needs we designed them to address we say they have become "obsolete".  Obsolete machines are not necessarily bad or flawed devices (especially considering the times in which they were first designed).   We have simply outgrown them.  When machines become obsolete, it is best to deconstruct them, improve them, replace them or redesign them to do their job better.  Any one of these choices may prove best in a given situation. 

Now try applying machine theory to the strategies, relationships, courses of action, personal disciplines or spiritual perspectives you have employed to get you to where you are now.  Are they still viable and effective?  Has the time arrived for a radical redesign or even a whole new technology; or will some minor repairs and adjustments do the trick?   Getting clear about these issues can be profoundly helpful when seeking to find productive ways to get unstuck.

• Consult an Expert

When considering a way out of your dilemma, it is good to ask yourself the question: "who do I need in my life right now to get me truly unstuck and into a healthier, more fruitful place?"  No matter how it feels to be where you are, you can rest assured that someone has been there before you and, therefore, able to help you with your predicament.  The Bible reminds us that there is "nothing new under the sun" (Ecclesiastes 1: 9 NKJV).  This means that there is very likely a map somewhere that provides important clues for getting unstuck.   Indeed, the Scriptures assert that: "Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety" (Proverbs 11: 14 NKJV). 

In this age of information we can easily access the data and experience others have put on file for our benefit through books, the internet and so forth.  But why not also employ the human resources of a wise counselor, mentor, spiritual leader or other expert who will join your team either for a price or as an act of service?  The right kinds of partnerships can be powerful: "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work.  If one falls down (or gets stuck!), his friend can help him up.  But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" (Ecclesiastes 4: 9, 10 NIV).   

The right kind of friend can make all the difference when you are stuck.  But the wrong kind of friend can dig you in deeper.  Even well-meaning friends or family members may not have the objectivity you need to get unstuck.  Or, they may edit themselves to protect your feelings when what you need is some straight talk.  Therefore, in addition to our family and friends, it may be profoundly helpful to involve wise, objective and informed counselors or mentors in our dilemma in order to make the most productive decisions.

• Pray For Wisdom

As a believer, I am convinced that divine wisdom makes all the difference in our quest to get unstuck.  The testimony of the Scriptures and the history of faith is that God may, at times, be the author of the very dilemma we find ourselves in.  We can trust that, if this is so, it is because He knows that we often make our most growth-inducing and productive changes at the limits of our lives rather than at the cushy center of our comfort zone.  These are the changes that can take us to the next level -- with Him, with others and with ourselves. 

There is no guarantee that we will ever understand the whys and wherefores of our predicaments in every case.  Even at such times, however, we can benefit from the knowledge that He is near as we seek inspired wisdom from above.  God assures us that this kind of wisdom is available for the asking (James 1:5), but there is a condition: we must ask with expectation that this wisdom will be granted on time and in the amount required -- even if it is not in the timing or the manner we might choose.

 Cliff Notes

            If you're wondering if I am writing this from the mountain ledge I became stuck on at age thirteen, you can rest assured that I am not.  I got unstuck that day by jumping off the ledge and taking my chances on what would happen next.  I could have sent my friend for help.  I could have risked a climb back up the way I came.  I could have just waited for a grown up to come along and rescue me.  But I didn't.  Instead, I jumped.

After falling, I hit the slope below me and began to roll uncontrollably down the steep and gravelly pitch.  Suddenly, without my even being conscious of how it happened, I found myself at a stop with my hand gripping a tree branch.  A moment later, Mike arrived in a flurry of concern.  By that time I was on my feet and in the process of assessing my condition.  At first I was alarmed to find a fair amount of blood running off my head, but it was only a scalp wound.  Miraculously, I suffered no serious injuries at all and, a few moments later, we made for home again.

            My fall from the ledge turned out to be a blessing in disguise.  Facing that kind of danger got me thinking about God, destiny and how little of our lives we truly control.  Before two years had passed, I committed my life to the Lordship of Jesus Christ and began to follow Him.  Later, I entered the Christian ministry as a pastor and pastoral counselor.  Over the years since then, I have had the privilege of helping others face their dilemmas, predicaments and challenges.  These experiences continue to teach me about the power of the choices we make when we feel stuck -- something I first learned about as a teenager trapped on a mountain ledge.

(All previous material copyrighted by Bill Faris and may only be reprinted with his written permission.  Thank you.) Copyright, 2008, All Rights Reserved