Marriage & Family Matters

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Don't Talk, Don't Think, Don't Feel

By Linda J. Bagley, M.A., LMFT
    As children we are taught some interesting rules that go on to impact and confuse our adult relationships. Whether explicit or implied, many of us grow up being taught, "Don't talk! Don't think! Don't feel!" These admonitions were often designed to make our parents', teachers' or caretakers' lives less stressful. After all, a child's constant desires for attention or conflict resolution can be incredibly draining on adults.
    As a result we find ourselves now as adults saying things that do not really make sense, but are so common we have not really listened to what we are saying.For instance, since we were told, "Don't talk!" and "Don't feel!" we don't know how to talk about our feelings or how to be with someone in pain and assist them in talking about their emotions.
    When my father died many people told me, "I'm so sorry!" Now if we examine that statement the word ‘sorry' connotes responsibility. I responded to many of them by saying, "It was not your fault that he died!" What they were really trying to tell me is that they were sad that my father died or that they were sad to hear about his death or my loss.We have been conditioned to stay away from our feelings so much that we don't know what they are, or we feel uncomfortable talking about them. We feel awkward with the clearer and more honest script of saying: "I'm sad that you have lost your father," for example.
    As children we are systematically trained to say "I'm sorry" by parents that wanted us to be well-mannered. In the midst of a squabble with a sibling, a parent often commands one or both, "Say you're sorry!" The child may or may not be sorry, but the child soon learns that the way to minimize a parent's wrath is to say the ‘magic' word: "Sorry!" The tone of voice usually betrays the child's real feelings, because it does not match the words.
    When it comes to the forgiveness and reconciliation the issue of responsibility must be considered. We have very little trouble jumping to conclusions about the other person's fault when a relationship is struggling, but are often well defended against admitting our own. There isn't room in this article to expound upon what it takes for true forgiveness and reconciliation to take place, but you can read articles on our website about these issues by going to www.mfmcounseling.com.When you are ready to admit your fault (and it usually takes the ‘bigger' person to go first) a good script for that is, "I am sorry.... Would you please forgive me?" However, when you do this, it is wise to give the other person time to catch up to where you are. He or she may need to process this information because it may come as a surprise to them!
    Now all of these concepts require that we break the "Don't think!" rule we've been taught since we were young. You may need a safe place to explore these ideas think differently, and that is where Marriage & Family Matters comes in: We provide a compassionate place for you to think about yourself and relationships in different ways so you can live a more satisfying life and have more fulfilling relationships.

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Don't Talk, Don't Think, Don't Feel