Marriage & Family Matters

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A Heart Betrayed

By Brad Kingma, M.A.
A heart betrayed. Maybe you've been there – or are there. You know the feeling – the pain, the numbness of complete shock; disbelief; the knot in your stomach when your intuition first tells you what you desperately don't want to hear – something is just not right in your relationship. It starts as a subtle warning bell in the back of your mind that slowly progresses over time and more evidences to a foghorn blaring in your ear with the message- you have been deceived by your partner – lied to by your mate, and no amount of self-denial can change the facts that you must finally recognize as reality: You have been betrayed.

It may have happened when he went to the sales conference – or when she came home late that night with no advance phone call. It appeared that things were going as normal – but the little things started to show up missing: that once special glint in her eye when she used to kiss you good morning – that excitement in his voice when he would call you at work. But now – it's undeniable – things have changed.

Advice and Rationalizations

Depending on where you are – or where you have landed in this process – in the events of your life – you may have heard one or more of the following comments from your friends, family or the betrayer:
• "What's the big deal – it happened so long ago?"
• "I already apologized- what more do you want?"
• He'll come around- just give him time"
• "Just forgive and forget"
• "She's just trying to find herself"
• "Get out while you can and take the bank account with you!"
Or the compassionate: "You just drove him to it!"

Sound familiar? You could probably write your own as well – but the truth is none of them make the awful pain go away; none of them restore your broken trust – your wounded heart or act to stabilize your once predictable world where you thought you knew who she was – you thought you knew that he would never do such a thing to your heart or your children's home.

If this has been your path – you already know there are no easy answers – and worse – no such thing as a quick recovery for your broken heart. There are few deeper wounds than the wounds of trust broken –not by an enemy - but by a friend, a mate, a partner.

Betrayal is a trauma. It affects us on many levels: emotional, physical, mental and spiritual, every aspect of our being. When the shock wave has somewhat subsided – you may find yourself asking the same questions as similar trauma survivors, "Why did he/she do that?", "Why did this happen to me?", "Why did this happen now?"These are questions that come out of a wounded spirit trying to make sense of the devastation that has just occurred. But this is not the time to stay here! You have been struck by shrapnel in an explosive blast and the first consideration is to stop the bleeding – contain the injury and stabilize life functions.

Hope for you

This is not a road for you to walk alone. There are no critical care patients in the ICU that hook up their own IV transfusions, dispense their own medications or perform their own operation to repair torn heart tissue. This is a time to lean hard into life-giving resources; safe friends; safe family members; caring and instructive therapy. This is the time when the Lord Jesus Christ will untangle the feet of his precious lamb-child and hold you in his arms safe from the brush thorns that would certainly tear your flesh if he were not there.

Jesus is here for you my friend. He has always been here – caring, watching, waiting for you to find your safe place in his arms that never fail- never deceive-never lead astray.

As he picks you up - you clearly see – maybe for the first time - that marriage was never about happiness – it was about character; and "getting along" with your mate was not the goal – but growing together was; that affording the bigger house was not more important than building a loving home; that picking a perfect mate was less important than having a perfect Savior. What you have gained now is clarity to see and understand that many important things – were never significant things and with this new clarity your future can be different from your past.

Hope for the Relationship

God works best in what is real – not in who you "thought" you were – or who you "thought" he/she was – or what you "thought" you had with your partner. Tinted glasses are now crushed – and you can begin to see what you did not see before in all three areas.This is the place where God works best – when all pretenses are gone- the fig leaves have fallen away leaving what is real exposed to the truth. This is where God brings not just truth, but grace. Not shame and accusation – but an invitation to come home to the One that can heal all hurts and hearts; replace selfishness with self-sacrifice; exchange "Doing my own thing" for pursuing the significant Godly purpose already designed for you as an individual, and for your partnership as a married couple. This is the place where you can choose to no longer drift in your relationship – based on hurts and unforgiven wounds of the past, but can now make a vision for a new relationship rooted in the future.

The challenge before you is not to forgive and forget – to give your partner another chance – or to simply believe that your partner didn't mean to do what he/she did. The challenge is to boldly seek both life and truth where God is working. This heartbreaking event in your life has presented an invitation to both you and to your partner to be responsible with truth – and to seek life as found in a righteous God. What happens next is dependent on how each partner responds to this invitation. You can only be responsible for how you respond, but know that God will meet you in your response. God desires that each partner respond in truth, being responsible for the true condition of their hearts and actions. It starts with you. Are you open to being known by and knowing your partner as never before – not with tinted glasses of what you wanted to see but with the eyes that see what God sees – two sinners in need of a Savior.

Next Steps

The road ahead of you will best be walked slowly – with each step made with the trusted guidance of those safe people and resources that will keep you close to home with God and centered in what He wants to do. You are safe and you are not alone.

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A Heart Betrayed